The thoughts in my head

It’s a busy place inside my head. I mean, some days the thoughts in my head are pretty quiet – mostly when I’m distracted by all the stuff I have to do. To be fair, there is an awful lot of stuff to think about …..sleep, milk, food, nappies, sleep, dinners, food shopping, school events, sleep, how everyone in the family is, sleep (sorry did I mention that one before).

Sometimes though the thoughts in my head are very loud, brimming with positivity and excitement – delight when Finn is doing something new, or when he’s laughing, or when he pulls a face at some new food he’s trying! Moments like this…

sutton-park

Sometimes though my thoughts are not nearly so good and they seem to be screaming all sorts of things I really don’t want to think. Managing these thoughts is particularly challenging for me after I’ve had a baby – maybe it’s the hormones? or maybe it’s the fact it’s exhausting? Rather annoyingly though, despite it being almost 8 months since Finn arrived I’m still having to manage my thinking carefully and reign myself in every so often. Embarrasingly sometimes I even end up saying what I’m thinking out loud!

Most recently these have included me saying ‘I don’t really like babies’! I’m not saying it isn’t true, I absolutely love my children but the baby stage is, for me, the hardest by a country mile. I don’t think I’m supposed to say it out loud though! Then just yesterday I found myself telling Finn that I wasn’t changing his nappy just now because ‘you’re going to fight with me about it and anyway I need the toilet and strictly speaking, well, you’ve already been.’ Another thing you probably shouldn’t say out loud.

On a really bad day the thoughts in my head are all about how having a baby was a silly idea and why did I ever thing I should do it again. The fact that I’m not strong enough to handle it when everyone needs a bit of me and that I’m a horrible person for enjoying the fact that the first 8 months have (in hindsight) gone quickly. Of course most of the time – when I’m having fun with friends or family who have always been there for me, when a day goes perfectly to plan, when I’m having a lay in at the weekend while Daddy takes over, or when I’m laughing with Ellie – I can mostly shrug it all off and push those thoughts away. It’s those tougher days that don’t quite go to plan that can be hard and on those days it can be really hard not to listen just a little too much.

Anyway that’s quite enough for one post, but I hope that by sharing my thoughts anyone else out there with their own challenging thoughts in their head won’t feel quite so alone.

Until next time…..

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8 thoughts on “The thoughts in my head

  1. sarah evans

    Wow Sharon. I’ve only read a coupe of blogs but what a good idea! I will have to get your book too! It’s so funny how you describe yourself as “not a natural mum”. I always look at my sister in law with 4 kids and think how natural she is with them and how i’m not. I remember you saying you don’t like babies much! I guess i was thinking about what you said but not in a negative way i might add. Just that it made me reflect on having a 3 year old and a baby and the differences between the two in regards to their needs. I.e I appreciate that i can push Isaac around in a buggy and he will fall asleep, so i can concentrate on clothes shopping! But then i think that it’s great that Esme will get herself dressed and how Isaac is so reliant on me!I I also have tendency to think about everything in a negative way and really need lots of energy to challenge my thinking and turn those thoughts into positive ones! Whenever i see parents of twins (at the health visitor drop in session on Wednesday there were two sets of twins!) i sternly tell myself to stop complaining about everything as i have it easy in comparison. I suspect that life has a way of ensuring those mums who are best coping with parenthood have twins!!! Anyway back to you not being a natural mum! I havn’t known you for long but i can plainly see that you put your kids first and that is the most natural of motherly instincts! 🙂

    Reply
  2. Alana - Burnished Chaos

    I totally get this. I love my kids more than anything but some days the thoughts running through my head a born out of frustration instead of love. Being a parent is hard work, but the love will always win out in the end … Maybe after a glass of wine, or a sneaky bar of chocolate behind the fridge door!
    #PoCoLo

    Reply
  3. Tim

    We all have our ups and downs and sometimes it can be easy to dwell on the negatives too much – but when you’re greeted with a smiling face it’s worth basking in it for a moment and remembering that you must be doing something right. #pocolo

    Reply
    1. Sharon Saunders Post author

      Thanks Tim – you’re totally right about those special moments … smiles, laughs and every time he does something new. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Reply
  4. Laura

    Well done for sharing this, it can be hard to say this stuff out loud but it shouldn’t be as I’m certain most mums feel the same.

    My thoughts went one step further when T was born as I was experiencing PND and really extreme anxiety. Thoughts started off like yours but being ill meant I was unable to manage them like you are doing brilliantly and they spiralled out of control and led to a very dark place. I’ve now made it my mission to share my story, and my general thoughts on parenting (the ones you aren’t meant to say!) on my blog so others feel less alone.

    Huge well to you for doing this too – your thoughts are all perfectly normal and any mum who says she’s never had these thoughts is lying if you ask me! 😉 #pocolo

    Reply
  5. http://www./

    Que carroça que o reis apanhou…Quero ver como ele se sai no contra relógio—–sim…porque não ta la o Alcobaça para empurra lo como em loule..

    Reply

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