It’s a busy place inside my head. I mean, some days the thoughts in my head are pretty quiet – mostly when I’m distracted by all the stuff I have to do. To be fair, there is an awful lot of stuff to think about …..sleep, milk, food, nappies, sleep, dinners, food shopping, school events, sleep, how everyone in the family is, sleep (sorry did I mention that one before).
Sometimes though the thoughts in my head are very loud, brimming with positivity and excitement – delight when Finn is doing something new, or when he’s laughing, or when he pulls a face at some new food he’s trying! Moments like this…
Sometimes though my thoughts are not nearly so good and they seem to be screaming all sorts of things I really don’t want to think. Managing these thoughts is particularly challenging for me after I’ve had a baby – maybe it’s the hormones? or maybe it’s the fact it’s exhausting? Rather annoyingly though, despite it being almost 8 months since Finn arrived I’m still having to manage my thinking carefully and reign myself in every so often. Embarrasingly sometimes I even end up saying what I’m thinking out loud!
Most recently these have included me saying ‘I don’t really like babies’! I’m not saying it isn’t true, I absolutely love my children but the baby stage is, for me, the hardest by a country mile. I don’t think I’m supposed to say it out loud though! Then just yesterday I found myself telling Finn that I wasn’t changing his nappy just now because ‘you’re going to fight with me about it and anyway I need the toilet and strictly speaking, well, you’ve already been.’ Another thing you probably shouldn’t say out loud.
On a really bad day the thoughts in my head are all about how having a baby was a silly idea and why did I ever thing I should do it again. The fact that I’m not strong enough to handle it when everyone needs a bit of me and that I’m a horrible person for enjoying the fact that the first 8 months have (in hindsight) gone quickly. Of course most of the time – when I’m having fun with friends or family who have always been there for me, when a day goes perfectly to plan, when I’m having a lay in at the weekend while Daddy takes over, or when I’m laughing with Ellie – I can mostly shrug it all off and push those thoughts away. It’s those tougher days that don’t quite go to plan that can be hard and on those days it can be really hard not to listen just a little too much.
Anyway that’s quite enough for one post, but I hope that by sharing my thoughts anyone else out there with their own challenging thoughts in their head won’t feel quite so alone.
Until next time…..